Gotta warn everyone, this is probably gonna be a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG journal.
I can already tell people are now going back to delete this. Meh. :/
So things have been complicated. As my previous journal mentions, my mom's health hasn't been the best, she is showing signs of improvement though. However I do understand she will never be 100% better. I mean she's in her 60's and she can barely walk. She did have a fall some part of last month which set her back to square one, but she's been using the wheelchair as a kind of walker, but she really only walks from her bedroom to the living room, and sometimes from the living room to the car.
I'm still the only one cleaning out her chamber pot, fixing her meals, cleaning her clothes, helping her into the shower, buying her groceries, while also washing dishes, towels and sheets, vacuuming, etc.... All the while my front and backyard have become a safe haven for giant weeds, and it's been difficult finding a time to get out there and pull them, what with random weather troubles and all the housework that needs to be done. My sister had told me my neighbor has the right to call someone and complain about my weeds, saying it's a fire hazard.
Then call someone who could possibly HELP ME cuz I'm only one FUCKING person trying to do 3 jobs at the same time.
I suppose I could leave the towels alone, let them get moldery and stink up the bathroom. I suppose I could ignore the dishes, let the leftover food bits harden or grow mold as it attracts all sorts of bugs. If one of my cats vomit, I suppose I should let it be, let it stain the wood flooring.
I guess if my mom falls and I don't hear it cuz I'm outside, I should just pretend I'm deaf and get all that yard work done, cuz my yards are a MUCH HIGHER priority than ANYTHING ELSE.
Another issue I'm having is this; I've been thinking about working again (part-time though). I'm gonna be 33 soon, an age where I should still be working. My sister has offered me a job at her place, a glass company that sandblasts logos and images onto glassware. She's been there for so many years now that she's become a supervisor. I've already turned in my resume, and got the phone call. Last week I went in for the interview, which I think I did quite well. But now my mom is saying I probably shouldn't get the job. Since I'm on government retirement pay, if I make over a certain amount a year, I could lose my monthly retirement checks as well as my insurances (and I'm still paying off my braces). As it turns out, making minimum wage is making too much money.
So now both my mom & uncle are saying I should back out of this job opportunity and maybe start off volunteering. But both my sister & dad are practically pleading with me that I take this job. I will be making less than what I bring in, plus I will lose my benefits (this business has health insurance, but no dental). However this could be good for my mental health, my confidence, and being able to socialize with people my own age and younger (I'm constantly socializing with elderly people, I have been for more than a decade....no offense to them, they're wonderful people, but I need to be around people my own age. I'm only around people my own age for about 6 days in an entire year).
I'm being pulled in so many directions it feels like. I've already had some mental meltdowns, I've said things with my mother present that I don't like saying in front of her (she doesn't like the word "fuck," or really any sort of swear word), so that means my old anger issues have come back (I can thank my uncle for that). Sometimes I'm teary over the smallest, dumbest things. I've realized that no matter what direction I take, half of the family will be disappointed in me.
I should eventually post up some "feelings" art. I've been working on that, plus my BLFC badge. At least I have something to look forward to. <3 I need some escapism.
Sorry I've been so quiet. I honestly was hoping for a better, more artsy year, but I've been so preoccupied taking care of my mom and the house.
TL;DR - mom's health is not great but okay. Trying to get a job but money/insurance/future issues. People make me crazy and angry and they suck. Something about art. Apologies.